Horoscopes

By: Jadyn Beyer

Posted: 11/19/09

Scorpio        Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
You have to find a lifestyle that balances your work and health better. The shelf life of a stripper is limited.

Sagittarius        Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Improving yourself should be more important than being better than someone else, but you don’t get trophies for self improvement, do you? Now go out there and be better than Katie Carr.

Capricorn        Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Success is knocking on your door today. Oh wait…yeah. Sorry. No, it is just a Jehovah’s Witness.

Aquarius        Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Expect a week with plenty of interaction… unfortunately that interaction will be against your will and with boil-covered carnival workers.

Pisces        Feb. 19 - March 20
While you are on vacation this week, love is in the air. Unfortunately, H1N1 is also in the air; intercourse and vomit are rarely a good combination.

Aries            March 21 - April 19
You will be progressing greatly as a communicator this week. That said, you are still unable to say “you smell nice” without coming across as a Grade A creeper, sorry.

Taurus        April 20 - May 20
You will be feeling more keyed up and confident then you have in some time. A penile implant was just what you needed.

Gemini        May 21 - June 20
Mars will be moving through your romance zone for several months. Your sex life will reach a new level of awkward. Just because your significant other is into furry culture doesn’t mean you need to participate.   (Want a good laugh, Google “furries”).

Cancer         June 21 - July 22
Focusing on your personal finances reveals that this is a good time to think about making the most of your resources. Six words: “Saved by the Bell Pinball Machine.”

Leo            July 23 - Aug. 22
Your career should be doing better, and you should feel pretty good about yourself. Having sex with your boss really paid off. Good work! You must be an excellent lay.

Virgo            Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Good business is in your stars, and it could last for a while. I know you were initially apprehensive, but there is a lot of money in urinal cakes.

Libra            Sep. 23 - Oct. 22
It helps not to indulge in too much wishful thinking this week. Yes, clothing is cumbersome; however, you need to realize that your ideal world of nakedness is only a pipedream. Let it go.