Brain Droppings: Advice from Dr. Fill

By: Maxwell Perkins

Posted: 11/5/09

Hello students! My name is Dr. Franklin Leopold Fillchowski. My friends call me Dr. Fill. By friends, I mean my cats. It seems I am a bit too honest to have human friends. I am here to dish out some straight talk to all you mixed-up college students in need of some BS-free advice. I don't hold back and am in no way a licensed doctor. So send in your questions to the Stoutonia and get ready to be bitch slapped with some advice.

Q: Dear Dr. Fill,
I am a sophomore apparel design student here at the University of Wisconsin-Stout, and I have a problem. My boyfriend, let's call him "Tim," is a great guy. We have been seeing each other for over a year now. The relationship, however, is not without its problems. Tim has a tendency to drink too much. When he drinks, he is loud and obnoxious and says really mean things to me. Just last week, I came home to find Tim passed out with his hand down his pants watching Hannah Montana. When I tried to wake him, he called me names and told me I was "worthless." To top it off, he touched my mother's breast when I took him home to meet my family. I don't know what I should do, but I know he can change and I really love him. Should I dump him? Dr. Fill, what should I do?
Sincerely,
Can't Understand Men

A: Dear CUM,
A relationship where your significant other isn't drunk and verbally abusive? Yawn. Bring a book. Alcohol and verbal abuse add a much needed spice to any relationship. You should consider yourself lucky to have such a great guy, but by the sound of your letter, you're a real nag. If you're concerned about your boyfriend's drinking, don't be. It is perfectly normal for a man exhausted from a day of providing for his ungrateful significant other to drink himself into a stupor, while manipulating himself to the Disney Channel. If you are going to nag him about such trivial matters, it may be best for you to bite that tongue of yours. As for touching your mother's breast, that is a sign of affection in many cultures. I suggest you broaden your world view, little missy.

I am now going to climb up on my soap box. What happened to the good old days? Compare the number of housewives and young women in the 1950s to those now who are not controlling their "lady problems" with copious amounts of Valium. It is simply alarming. Get back on the meds ladies. Anywho, where was I? Oh yeah, let your boyfriend treat you however he wants. It's not like you are a person of value who deserves to be treated with respect. Oh wait … maybe you are? On second thought, dump the chump.
Fondly,
Dr. Fill
P.S. Nice major. I hope you'll enjoy folding tee-shirts at The Gap.

Q: Dear Dr. Fill,
My father called last week to inform me that he will not be attending my graduation ceremony. I have worked very hard earning my BS in studio art, and it would mean a lot if he came to share the moment with me. Apparently, he and my stepmother are planning to go on a cruise the week after my graduation. My father said that they need time to rest up before the big trip. My father also doesn't think the trip from Downsville would be wise to make so close to his vacation because my stepmother gets car sick. I can't help but think that he doesn't love me. I want to cut him off. How do I tell him how I feel without there being a big argument?
Sincerely,
Very Disappointed

A: Dear VD,
Is your daddy going to take this cruise on the river of tears you are crying? Stop being so selfish. It is clear that your father has found a new life and family, so stop holding him back with your constant cries for attention. "Look at me! I graduated college!" Big deal. Thousands of people graduate college every year. What do you want the old man to do? Throw you a party? After completing my PhD online, my daddy didn't ride into town and throw me a parade. Then again, there was no graduation ceremony for the University of Bob Online. Had there been, it would have been nice if he came to support me, but that is a completely different situation because it directly involves me. Maybe you should worry more about paying off the student loans you accumulated during your four years of finger painting. I hope you have practiced saying "Hi, my name is _________, and I'll be your server today." To wrap this up, don't tell him how you're feeling, bottle it up and never let it out … or crack a few eggs and get in that big argument. Either way, it still doesn't change the fact that you have a Bachelor's degree and no marketable skills.
Fondly,
Dr. Fill